Sept 1 St 24

**A Hole in My Soul**

There was already a hole in my soul, one that I had tried to ignore for far too long. But when Michael was brought home, things changed. The weight I had been carrying felt lighter, and for the first time in a while, I felt less burdened, less guilty. It was as though his presence stitched together the edges of my grief, even if just a little.

But there are so many times, so many moments when I instinctively reach for the phone, desperate to hear a familiar voice on the other end, only to be reminded that you are not home. That you are not *there* anymore. It’s as if the world pauses for a breath, then rushes back with the reality of your absence, hitting harder than before.

Home doesn’t feel like home without you. Every corner holds a memory, but none of them can hold me the way you did. Without you, everything feels hollow. The walls that once felt comforting now seem suffocating, closing in on me with each passing day. I don’t want to live there anymore, not in a place that no longer feels like it belongs to me.

Still, I can’t fully accept it. Even now, even after all this time, there’s a part of me that can’t believe you’re not here anymore. Your absence is louder than anything else in my world, a constant reminder of the love and connection that’s been ripped away. I keep searching for you in the silence, in the spaces between the words, but all I find is emptiness.

Michael helps—he really does—but the hole in my soul remains. And without you, I wonder if it will ever be whole again

a gift for Ligam from Ankit Gautam and myself

birthday cakes

my  babu does the hanky panky..

“Oh my name it ain't nothin'

My age it means less

The country I come from

Is called the Midwest

I was taught and brought up there

The laws to abide

And that land that I live in

Has God on its side

Oh, the history books tell it

They tell it so well

The cavalries charged

The Indians fell

The cavalries charged

The Indians died

Oh, the country was young

With God on its side

The Spanish-American

War had its day

And the Civil War, too

Was soon laid away

And the names of the heroes

I was made to memorize

With guns in their hands

And God on their side

The First World War, boys

It came and it went

The reason for fighting

I never did get

But I learned to accept it

Accept it with pride

For you don't count the dead

When God's on your side

The Second World War

Came to an end

We forgave the Germans

And then we were friends

Though they murdered six million

In the ovens they fried

The Germans now, too

Have God on their side

I've learned to hate the Russians

All through my whole life

If another war comes

It's them we must fight

To hate them and fear them

To run and to hide

And accept it all bravely

With God on my side

But now we got weapons

Of chemical dust

If fire them, we're forced to

Then fire, them we must

One push of the button

And a shot the world wide

And you never ask questions

When God's on your side

Through many a dark hour

I've been thinkin' about this

That Jesus Christ was

Betrayed by a kiss

But I can't think for you

You'll have to decide

Whether Judas Iscariot

Had God on his side.

So now as I'm leavin'

I'm weary as Hell

The confusion I'm feelin'

Ain't no tongue can tell

The words fill my head

And fall to the floor

That if God's on our side

He'll stop the next war”

~Bob Dylan

"There is a kind of sadness that comes from knowing too much, from seeing the world as it truly is. It is the sadness of understanding that life is not a grand adventure, but a series of small, insignificant moments, that love is not a fairy tale, but a fragile, fleeting emotion, that happiness is not a permanent state, but a rare, fleeting glimpse of something we can never hold onto. And in that understanding, there is a profound loneliness, a sense of being cut off from the world, from other people, from oneself."

— Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

THE SIZE OF YOUR DRAMA, IS PROPORTIONAL TO THE SIZE OF YOUR EGO.

I'm slowly learning that I don't have to react to anything that bothers me.

I'm slowly learning that the energy needed to react to every "bad" thing that happens to me, drains me and prevents me from seeing the other good things in life.

I'm slowly learning that I'm not going to be everyone's comfort and that I won't be able to make everyone treat me the way I want to be treated and it's not for that much.

I'm slowly learning that trying to "win" anyone is just a waste of time, energy and that only fills me with emptiness.

I'm slowly learning that not reacting doesn't mean I agree with things, it simply means I choose to rise above.

I choose to learn the lesson, it served me and I learn from it. I choose to be the bigger person.

I choose my peace of mind because that's what I really need.

I don't need no more drama.

I don't need people to make me feel like I'm not good enough.

I don't need fights, arguments and fake connections.

I'm slowly learning that sometimes, saying nothing, says everything.

I'm slowly learning that reacting to things that bother me, gives someone power over me and over my emotions.

I can't control what others do, but I can choose how to react, how I handle it, how I perceive it and how much of it I take personally.

I'm slowly learning that most of the time, these situations say nothing about me and much about the other person.

I learn that all these disappointments are there to teach me how to love myself and it will serve as a shield.

I'm learning that even if I react, it won't change anything, it will not make people suddenly love and respect me, it will not magically change their minds.

Sometimes it's better to just let things go, let people go, don't fight for closure, don't ask for explanations, don't chase answers and don't expect people to understand where you see them.

I'm slowly learning that life is best lived when you don't center it on what's happening around you and center it more on what's going on inside you.

Work on yourself, on your inner peace and you will realize that not reacting to every little thing that bothers you is the first ingredient to living a happy and healthy life.

Louise Hay ~ (alongside another great Master Wayne Dyer)

my little Zen came in the way of fire He got bit by Changes 

Just feeling terrible 

Am chilling in my space out side of the bedroom

purple passion is the name !